In-law jokes

I asked my mother‑in‑law what time it was. She told me it was three.

— But it was five. I know she exaggerates, but not that much.

What has four legs, barks and flies?

— A dead dog thrown by my mother-in-law.

— Do you know what I would do if I knew where my mother‑in‑law was going to die?

— — I would never go there.

My mother‑in‑law is so meticulous that when she goes to the doctor she explains the symptoms to the taxi driver.

— The taxi driver now knows more about medicine than the doctor.

What do mothers‑in‑law and the weather have in common?

— When they're good, nobody believes it.

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

— The vulture waits until you're dead before it eats you.

The doctor told me I need to reduce stress in my life.

— Now I know where to start.

Why do scientists use mothers-in-law instead of rats in their experiments?

— For three reasons: there are more of them, you don't get attached, and there are things even a rat won't do.

My mother-in-law told me I was like a son to her.

— I'm going to find a good lawyer.

My mother-in-law has managed to make my house seem enormous.

— When she leaves.

The doctor told me I need to reduce stress in my life.

— I already know where to start.

They say love is blind.

— That's why sons-in-law don't see their mothers-in-law until it's too late.

My mother-in-law has managed to make my house feel enormous.

— When she leaves.

When my mother-in-law comes to visit, the house is filled with joy.

— Especially when she leaves.

I asked my mother-in-law if we could be friends.

— She said she didn't want to raise her social status.

My mother-in-law told me I'm like a son to her.

— I'm going to find a good lawyer.

My mother-in-law is like wifi.

— When there's no signal, you miss her. When there's a signal, you wish there wasn't.

When my mother-in-law comes to visit, the house fills with joy.

— Especially when she leaves.

My mother-in-law says I'm the ideal son-in-law.

— For another family.

My mother-in-law has GPS built-in.

— She knows exactly when I'm comfortable to show up.

My mother-in-law and I have been getting along much better since we discovered something we have in common.

— We both want me to move away.