All jokes

A programmer prays every night for his code to work. God says: 'I can't help you with that, but I can make your errors quieter'.

— Now the programmer prays for his boss not to hear the server scream.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

— Four: one to promise it, one to form a committee, one to study the impact, and one to blame the previous government when it burns out.

A patient arrived at the hospital with a persistent headache and asked the doctor what could be the cause.

— The doctor smiled and said: 'Well, it seems you have a long medical history for being so young'.

My grandmother always said the secret to her potato omelette was love... until I caught her measuring the eggs with a jeweler's scale.

— It turns out love weighs exactly 58 grams per person.

I've spent the entire night watching the new Netflix series, and now my wife thinks I'm obsessed.

— But the worst part is that I'm starting to identify with the main character, a man who also believes his family controls him through an entertainment app.

My boss asked me to be more efficient at work, so I decided

— to replace him with a robot that only says 'yes' and 'no' and nobody notices the difference

A very demanding chef discovered that his secret recipe for chocolate cake had been stolen by a competitor.

— It turned out that the thief was his own reflection in the mirror, which had developed a taste for cooking.

A lawyer arrived at court with a suitcase full of documents and realized he had left his watch at home.

— So he decided to argue that time was subjective and his internal clock told him he was on time.

A dog went to the vet complaining that it couldn't sleep at night.

— It turned out it was suffering from canine insomnia because its owner had been telling it the same bedtime story for years.

My boss asked me to be more punctual, so I decided to arrive an hour earlier.

— It turned out he was two hours late, so I spent an hour alone in the office, wondering who the real latecomer was.

My boss asked me to be more creative at work, so I decided to redecorate his office

— With a lot of stickers that said 'Don't worry, I've already done it'

A programmer was frustrated because his artificial intelligence code wasn't working as expected, so he decided to try something new.

— He asked his dog to help him debug, and it turned out the dog had a paws-itive algorithm.

My family decided to create a WhatsApp group to discuss only urgent matters, but it turned out that my aunt's urgency to share cheesecake recipes is greater than any other emergency.

— Now we have an emergency group and another for 'cheesecake and other family priorities'.

My boss asked me to be more productive at work, so I decided to automate all my tasks.

— Now I'm the owner of the company, because the only task I couldn't automate was firing myself.

My family created a WhatsApp group to discuss only emergencies.

— But it turns out my aunt considers it an emergency when she runs out of mobile data.

A lawyer, seeing a colleague with his arm in a sling, asks: "What happened, did you fall down the courthouse stairs?"

— The other sighs: "No, I tried to shake hands with a satisfied client."

A patient arrived at the hospital with a persistent headache and asked the doctor what could be the cause.

— The doctor replied, 'Well, there are many possibilities, but the most likely one is that you have a head'.

A programmer was complaining that his code never worked as expected

— So God suggested trying a debugger instead of prayers

A lawyer got lost in the maze of courthouse hallways

— and ended up defending a client who wasn't his, but at least he won the case

A dog went to the psychologist because it felt it wasn't like other dogs.

— It turned out its problem was that it couldn't forget it was a dog disguised as a cat in its past life.

A friend recommended a Netflix series, saying it was so good it would completely absorb me.

— And he was right, now my partner has left me for it.

I tried to follow my grandmother's recipe and the oven started roaring like a motor.

— In the end, I discovered that I had put the pizza in Dad's toolbox and the motor was the drill.

I spent the whole night watching the new Netflix series because I was told it was addictive.

— And it turns out the only addictive thing was my ability to find excuses not to turn off the TV.

A tourist in Paris got lost in the subway and asked an employee for help.

— The employee said: 'Why don't you ask someone who isn't as lost as you?'

Why is my grandmother's recipe book full of notes in the margins?

— Because every time she did something right, she remembered to eat it.

A tourist in Japan got lost in the Tokyo subway and asked an employee for help.

— The employee gave him a map and said: 'Don't worry, it's like GPS, but with more kanji'.

My cat thinks it's a dog

— and won't stop barking at the dog pound

My family created a WhatsApp group for emergencies.

— Five minutes later, my uncle was already sending a video of a cat dancing salsa.

Why can't lawyers play hide and seek in the courts?

— Because they always find each other.

My partner and I have decided that every time one of us makes a mistake, the other has to...

— repeat the mistake so it's a shared error.