All jokes

The teacher asks: "Jimmy, do you know what fossils are?"

— "Yes, ma'am. Math teachers."

The teacher: 'Jimmy, give an example of coincidence.'

— "Yesterday I went to the doctor. By coincidence, I had a fever. By coincidence, he gave me a week off."

What is the worst thing that can happen to a mathematician?

— That their problems have no solution.

A man walks toward a bar... and dodges it.

— He was an athlete.

The teacher asks: "Jimmy, what do the sun and bread have in common?" Jimmy responds:

— "That both rise in the morning."

A man walks towards a bar... and dodges it.

— He was an athlete.

Why can't skeletons lie?

— Because they don't have the guts.

The resume said: 'Looking for urgent work.' The boss asked: 'Why so urgent?'

— 'Because in a month I won't be looking, I'll be doing well standing.'

A drunkard sees double. The doctor says: 'Take these pills, one every twelve hours.'

— 'Which one?'

A drunk man calls 112: "My wallet's been stolen!"\n"Where are you?"

— "Right here, I haven't moved."

A drunk man asks his friend, "What time is it?" The friend replies, "Twelve." The drunk man says:

— "What a long day. I've been here since eight and it's already twelve."

The doctor to the drunk: 'You have to stop drinking.'

— The drunk: 'Can I at least finish it?'

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

— Four: one to promise it, one to form a committee, one to study the impact, and one to blame the previous government when it burns out.

How many Real Madrid fans does it take to change a light bulb?

— None, they wait for God to do it.

What's the ultimate irony for a striker?

— That their goalkeeper scores more goals than them.

What's the worst thing about being a vampire?

— Having bad blood with everyone.

In a competition among Galicians, the last one to finish wins.

— They've been waiting four years for someone to finish.

A customer in a bookstore asks

— Do you have self-help books? Seller: Yes, in the last row.

A code walks into a bar

— The bartender asks: What can I get you? The code: while(thirsty) { drink() }

A madman has been staring at a juice box for two days because it says: "Concentrate."

— On the third day, the doctor says: "He's improved! He's looking at the box without obsession." The madman: "It's just that I've finished concentrating."

A crazy man runs down the hallway of the asylum screaming: "I'm free! I'm free!"

— Another one peers out and says: "Lucky you, I have 47."

Why is Tarzan so happy?

— Because he's never seen Jane dressed.

A crazy person knocks on the door of an insane asylum with a fishing rod.

— The doorman: "What are you doing?" The crazy person: "I'm fishing." The doorman: "There are no fish here, idiot." The crazy person: "And what are you doing here then?"

What does the number 1 say to the number 10?

— Why did you bring that zero?

A madman is watering the asylum's garden when it's not raining.

— The doctor asks him why. "So the umbrellas will grow."

What's the cleanest superhero?

— Aquaman! He's always in the water.

What does a dinosaur do with a glass of milk?

— The cereals!

What did the traffic light say to the car?

— Don't look at me, I'm changing.

Why do scientists use mothers-in-law instead of rats in their experiments?

— For three reasons: there are more of them, you don't get attached, and there are things even a rat won't do.

My mother-in-law told me I was like a son to her.

— I'm going to find a good lawyer.