All jokes

A programmer prays every night for his code to work. God says: 'I can't help you with that, but I can make your errors quieter'.

— Now the programmer prays for his boss not to hear the server scream.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

— Four: one to promise it, one to form a committee, one to study the impact, and one to blame the previous government when it burns out.

A tourist arrives at a paradisiacal beach and asks the local, "How can I tell if the water is clean?"

— The local replies, "If the fish are wearing sunglasses, you're already too far."

Which animal is the oldest?

— The crocodile, because it survived since prehistoric times. Though the parrot also has its years.

Teacher: "Jaimito, what's two plus two?"

— "It depends on whether it's a sum or the start of a negotiation."

The teacher: "Jaimito, how many people live in your house?"

— "Well, my dad, my mom, my siblings... and the sofa that nobody cleans."

The teacher: 'Jaimito, how many days does the week have?'

— 'Seven. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and the day for shopping.'

What’s the ultimate irony for a mathematician?

— That his problems have no solution.

What does a cow do with a map?

— She goes grazing wherever she wants.

What is the loneliest job in the world?

— An air traffic controller in the Bermuda Triangle.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

— One, but the bulb has to want to change.

A very busy lawyer arrived at the courthouse with a huge stack of documents and realized he had forgotten his watch at home.

— So he used the justice's hourglass to tell the time.

Doctor, lately I've been feeling very forgetful.

— "Since when has that been happening?"\n"What happens to me?"

Why are drunk people such good drivers?

— Because they always stay glued to the white line in the middle.

What does one roof say to another roof?

— Nothing, roofs don’t talk. But if they did, they’d say "roof" a lot.

Why do birds fly south in winter?

— Because walking would take too long.

Two people walk into a bar. The third one dodges him.

— He had learned from the previous one.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his armchair, without pain and without screams.

— Unlike the co‑pilot.

Why did the skeleton go to the dance alone?

— Because he had no body to go with him.

How does a drunk know he has had enough?

— When the floor becomes comfortable to him.

A drunk tells the bartender, "This is the best night of my life."

— "Why?" "Because I don't remember any worse."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, do politicians lie?" "No son, they govern."

— "Ah, and what's the difference?"

A politician and a lawyer fall into water. Who do you rescue first?

— The politician. First the necessary, then the useful.

A politician on the campaign trail: 'I will fight against poverty, unemployment, and corruption.',

— A voter: 'Man, fighting against everything at once gives me a bad spine.'

And what about Barcelona?

— None either – they just wait for Madrid to replace last year's trophy and take it away.

Two crazy people in the asylum garden. One puts on music and the other starts dancing.

— The first says, "Stop, the music is in my head."

My dog has an Instagram with more followers than me, but every time he posts a picture of me, he deletes it after five minutes.

— He says I ruin his engagement.

The psychiatrist asks the patient: "Do you ever talk to yourself?" The patient replies: "Only when I need to talk to someone intelligent."

— The doctor writes in his notebook: "Healthy. I'm leaving."

What's the difference between a politician and a thief?

— The thief has shame.

What is the most punctual politician in history?

— The one who only shows up late when it's time to keep promises.