All jokes

A programmer prays every night for his code to work. God says: 'I can't help you with that, but I can make your errors quieter'.

— Now the programmer prays for his boss not to hear the server scream.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

— Four: one to promise it, one to form a committee, one to study the impact, and one to blame the previous government when it burns out.

A programmer tells his girlfriend his code is love.

— And she replies, "At least it doesn't have bugs in the heart."

My colleague programmed an alarm to remind him to have coffee every hour.

— He stayed awake, but the infinite loop gave him a caffeine overdose and now his code only runs in espresso mode.

I went to the doctor and he asked me to list my symptoms like a shopping list.

— I said: a tablespoon of cough, two of fever, and a 50% discount on energy.

I told the cardiologist my heart was beating like a cell phone battery with no signal.

— He prescribed airplane mode, and now it only vibrates when the pizza calls.

My boss asked me to come in early tomorrow because there was an important meeting.

— I told him I'd be on time… at the hour he usually leaves.

A tourist in Paris asked a local for the shortest route to the Louvre so he wouldn't waste time.

— They replied, “Turn left, go straight until you see a crowd, and that's where the free entrance is.”

A tourist in Rome asks the guide for the best way to avoid crowds at the Colosseum.

— The guide replies, "Wear a toga, so no one recognizes you as a tourist and they'll let you in as a background actor."

My partner tells me the shower is occupied and asks if I can wait.

— I replied yes, but in the meantime I've already made a list of things I will never do without hot water.

I went to the doctor because my heart was beating to the rhythm of reggaetón and kept shaking.

— He prescribed a pause for the chorus and an extra dose of silence.

My cat offered to do the math homework, but all it said was “meow‑meow‑meow” when asked for the answer.

— Turns out the problem was that the teacher had written the equations in its language.

I spent the whole night watching the new Netflix series and took notes on every plot twist so I wouldn't miss any detail.

— The next day, my boss asked for the report and I realized I had written spoilers instead of data.

My boss asked me to improve my communication with the team.

— I sent him a three-page report and a GIF of a cat saying "What's up?"

In the family WhatsApp group, my grandfather writes, “Does anyone know if the barbecue meat is ready?”

— I reply, “Yes, but only the one in the photo you posted two years ago.”

My grandma asked me for a light vegetable soup.

— I served her chicken broth and said, "With that broth you already have grandma's soup."

When a programmer goes on vacation, his code keeps working.

— And the coffee machine just prints "Error 404: Cup not found!".

I went to the doctor and he told me I needed more fiber in my diet.

— I replied: "Perfect, I'm already preparing for the next marathon of series!"

In the family WhatsApp group, Aunt Ana posts: "I need my nephew's number who lives in Paris!"

— Dad replies: "In 2024, relatives are still in the same city, we just change the address."

In the family WhatsApp group, my mother writes, "Has anyone seen my charger?"

— I reply, "Yes, it's in the photo from the last dinner, next to the empty plate you left."

My boss asked me to be more proactive and gave me a treasure map.

— It turns out the treasure was in the office and the map was the to-do list.

My girlfriend asked me to stop throwing clothes on the floor because "the floor is no longer a drawer".

— I told her the floor is my recycling bin and the clothes are my way of reminding her I'm still alive.

My parrot showed up at the office and started mimicking the copier every time someone had a meeting.

— Now people stand up to applaud whenever the boss says, "Let's print some ideas!"

A tourist arrives at the Eiffel Tower and asks the guide, "Where is the elevator?"

— The guide replies, "It's in the museum, because the elevator only works to take you up to the panoramic view, not down to reality."

My boss told me to work more autonomously and left his laptop open during the meeting.

— Now he hands me coffee while he checks his own calendar of “office appointments.”

My boss told me to be more proactive and sent me a memo at 5 p.m.

— I replied, “What if I start being proactive tomorrow? I’ve already worked overtime today.”

A tourist in Morocco asks the guide, "Where can I find a good coffee?"

— The guide replies, "At the oasis, but only if you dare to have sand in your cup."

My boss called me into his office and said he wanted me to be more proactive.

— I told him I already am, I just keep my proactivity in the ‘next Monday’ drawer.

In the family WhatsApp group, grandpa always writes, "Has anyone seen my phone?"

— And aunt replies, "I saw it—it's in the fridge because the last time he used it was to look up the ice‑cream emoji."

At the appointment, the patient says to the doctor: "Doctor, I think I'm a wall clock because I always tick at the same hour."

— The doctor replies: "Then stop marking the hour and start counting the time you have left."