Todos los chistes

¿Por qué los pájaros vuelan hacia el sur en invierno?

— Porque si fueran a pie tardarían demasiado.

A programmer prays every night for his code to work. God says: 'I can't help you with that, but I can make your errors quieter'.

— Now the programmer prays for his boss not to hear the server scream.

Fui al médico con un problema muy extraño. Cada vez que me reía, me dolía la cabeza.

— El médico me dijo que era un caso de 'cefalea hilarante'.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

— Four: one to promise it, one to form a committee, one to study the impact, and one to blame the previous government when it burns out.

I went to cooking class and the chef asked me to show my best egg trick.

— I told him I could toss it so high that even the fridge would run out of eggs.

Fui a la clase de cocina y el chef me pidió que le mostrara mi mejor truco con huevo.

— Le dije que lo podía lanzar tan alto que hasta la nevera se quedó sin huevos.

A tourist arrives at a paradisiacal beach and asks the local, "How can I tell if the water is clean?"

— The local replies, "If the fish are wearing sunglasses, you're already too far."

Un turista llega a una playa paradisíaca y pregunta al local: «¿Cómo sé si el agua está limpia?».

— El local le responde: «Si los peces llevan gafas de sol, ya estás demasiado lejos».

Which animal is the oldest?

— The crocodile, because it survived since prehistoric times. Though the parrot also has its years.

Teacher: "Jaimito, what's two plus two?"

— "It depends on whether it's a sum or the start of a negotiation."

Un turista en Roma pregunta al guía si el Coliseo todavía sirve para algo.

— Le responde: "Claro, ahora es el mejor Wi‑Fi gratuito para los que buscan señal de historia".

The teacher: "Jaimito, how many people live in your house?"

— "Well, my dad, my mom, my siblings... and the sofa that nobody cleans."

The teacher: 'Jaimito, how many days does the week have?'

— 'Seven. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and the day for shopping.'

What’s the ultimate irony for a mathematician?

— That his problems have no solution.

What does a cow do with a map?

— She goes grazing wherever she wants.

What is the loneliest job in the world?

— An air traffic controller in the Bermuda Triangle.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

— One, but the bulb has to want to change.

A very busy lawyer arrived at the courthouse with a huge stack of documents and realized he had forgotten his watch at home.

— So he used the justice's hourglass to tell the time.

Doctor, lately I've been feeling very forgetful.

— "Since when has that been happening?"\n"What happens to me?"

Why are drunk people such good drivers?

— Because they always stay glued to the white line in the middle.

Le pregunté a mi microondas si quería ser chef y me respondió con un pitido.

— Resulta que solo aceptaba trabajos a tiempo limitado.

What does one roof say to another roof?

— Nothing, roofs don’t talk. But if they did, they’d say "roof" a lot.

Why do birds fly south in winter?

— Because walking would take too long.

Two people walk into a bar. The third one dodges him.

— He had learned from the previous one.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his armchair, without pain and without screams.

— Unlike the co‑pilot.

Why did the skeleton go to the dance alone?

— Because he had no body to go with him.

How does a drunk know he has had enough?

— When the floor becomes comfortable to him.

A drunk tells the bartender, "This is the best night of my life."

— "Why?" "Because I don't remember any worse."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, do politicians lie?" "No son, they govern."

— "Ah, and what's the difference?"

A politician and a lawyer fall into water. Who do you rescue first?

— The politician. First the necessary, then the useful.