Group chats are a microcosm of humanity. The technology changes — IRC, MSN, WhatsApp, Slack — but the personalities remain remarkably constant. Here is the full taxonomy.
The Voice Note Addict. Cannot type. Every message is a 3-minute audio. Sent at 11 PM. The content could have been one sentence.
The Phantom. Has read every message since 2019. Has never replied. Blue ticks confirm their presence. Their silence is their identity.
The Screenshot Risk. You have to think twice before posting anything because they definitely screenshot and share things in other groups.
The GIF Machine. Responds to every message with a gif. Sometimes the gif is accurate. Sometimes it is a mystery to everyone.
The Concerned Parent Forward. Shares articles about "5G and your health" and "the dangerous new drug all kids are using." Always from websites with no discernible authorship.
The Organiser. The only reason the group has not descended into chaos. Sends calendar invites. Follows up. Heroic.
The Contrarian. Disagrees with everything. Not maliciously — they just cannot help it. Keeps things interesting.
The Late Reactor. Responds to a message sent three days ago as though the conversation is still live. "Ha! So true."
The Typo Monster. You can always tell what they meant. Eventually.
The Over-Explainer. Could have said "yes" but wrote four paragraphs. Means well. Nobody reads all four paragraphs.
Every group has most of these. You are probably one of them. We all are.
